My personal challenge for cupcake camp Montreal 2010 was to hunt down all the dairy-free, vegan, and/or refined-sugar-free cupcakes. The idea was that this would keep me away from all the butter and cream that would make me sick for days, but allow me to enjoy the festivities (aka eat cupcakes and donate to worth causes). What a stupid idea at a cupcake event...
I thought this was possible because on the bakers' entry forms you had to say what was in your cupcakes. EVERY ingredient, I think, so I figured it'd be on display at the Camp. Easy to find dairy-free options, and there'd be tons, right? Because lactose-intolerance is so common and Montreal has this whole health-conscious movement and all...but nope, Montrealers love their buttery, creamy cupcakes. And they also apparently hate labeling things.
First of all you have to understand that the Cupcake Camp was crazy. There were lines around the block, it was cold outside waiting to get in for a good 25 minutes, you couldn't move once you got inside, and you had to push your way to the tables. So much for the kindness of strangers. All is fair in love and cupcakes. And I do love cupcakes.
This is how it happened:
1:30pm - start waiting in cupcake line. No not a line of cupcakes - a line of people. A line of cupcakes would have been much more fun.
1:45pm - starting to lose feeling in my toes, and starting to jump a little to stay warm. Added bonus of burning calories to be replaced by cupcakes.
2:00pm - Wading through the madness, I started asking people if there were any dairy-free, vegan, or gluten-free cupcakes around (anything catering to allergies might have some different options in the general area).
"Down that way," one of the vendors said with a vague point. So I headed off "that way", and found someone else to ask.
Next unhelpful vendor:
"Back there - in the back of the room." He pointed where I had come from. So I sighed and trudged back. Maybe I should have jumped less outside in the cold and saved some energy for cupcake hunting.
Third person: "There aren't around here that I've seen...but I think maybe down that way," she said pointing to the left. I paused...Then I argued.
"But someone said there were some down this way!" Maybe the exclamation mark makes me sound mean, but that's how I said it. I was surrounded by 20,000 cupcakes and I was getting angry. That's not right. Surrounded with that much sugar I should have been on cloud 9. Sure, I could have given up and eaten some of the pretty flower-decorated options, but I could also give up all my life choices and eat a lot of pig too, and I'm not about to do that either. Buttercream was everywhere, red velvet is super popular, chocolate, vanilla, lemon curd, meringues, lime, daiquiris, apple caramel, oreos, smores, ganache on top of ganache, white chocolate, peanut butter, pistachio, cheesecake, dark chocolate, squash...but no! I came for dairy-free! And I'm ridiculously stubborn. So I pushed my way to the front of the tables - very stealth-like with my large empty box of cupcakes - and wound my way around both of the huge rectangles of cupcakes. I pushed and I yoga-ed myself over kids, under boxes being held in the air above heads, limbo-ed arms outstretched for cupcake deliveries, and even managed to avoid getting frosting in my frazzled hair. I went all the way around until I found one chocolate dairy-free cupcake with dairy-free frosting. No ingredients listed. Who knows what was actually in it, but it was wasn't milk, so I took it rather than be completely foiled. Vegetable shortening? Soy?
Some of the amateur design finalists - my favourite was Santa on the right...then the strawberry flower in the middle. I don't think either won. Some people just love fondant, alas. That's not a cupcake...that's just sculpting with debatably edible plaster...
Well, that was one. There was no way I was going to find 6 more...but I set off again with my box a little less empty and my spirits a little lifted.
3:00pm-ish: I found a gluten-free one. I don't know what kind of flour it was, and it probably had dairy in it, but it was looking like it was the best I could do, so I took it.
3:15: Then I found sponge cake cupcakes with lime meringue. Sponge often doesn't have dairy, and meringue definitely doesn't, so I figured there'd at least be LESS dairy in them. Then I found another two dairy-free! How had I missed them? Right, because it was a zoo in there. These were listed as having soy in the cake and frosting, and they tasted dry and bland (it was yet another generic chocolate offering). Come on! Where were the skilled Montreal bakers making Alice in Wonderlands with almond milk?
Where was the chocolate raspberry with apple sauce or prune puree? If Oscar the Grouch can be sculpted from fondant, the Olympic Stadium made with pearls and ribbons (see below), smoked salmon be topped with sesame bagel, and Santa Clause's feet can stick out upside-down from a circular fireplace cupcake (see above), then SURELY someone could make a selection of delicious dairy-free options. SURELY!
Kids were making cupcake aquariums for goodness sake. Amateurs were making Mario and Luigis and sushi platters of cupcakes. Pros were sculpting in gold flakes and lace. And yet, I ended up finding a grand total of 5 "alternative" cupcakes (without dairy, or gluten, or eggs, or with raw sugar).
3:45-ish: So my plan went horribly awry. Completely frustrated, I then went and chose the prettiest dairy-stuffed creations I could and tried them all out of bitterness (mine, not theirs, though one with a dark chocolate truffle inside was a bit surprising). Dulche de leche, and even sorbet by Bilboquet topped with their vanilla ice cream. My head was pounding from caffeinated coffee fumes from three of the city's best espresso shops (Neve, Myriade, and Nespresso). Myriade even had cupcakes from
Le Chien Fumant and I chose the dark chocolate one because I've heard their patissier is very good. It was nice and simple. The pound-like cake was pretty good, and the chocolate seemed a little nutella-y nutty, but it just couldn't stand up to the strong flavours I'd just tried. My mouth was on sugar overload. The apple caramel overpowered even the lemon options (except the curd, which could have punched through Rocky Balboa). My favourites were the ones that were cakes, filled with something and topped with something, like
"For the Love of Cake" in Toronto. I stayed away from the bacon options.
4:00-ish - I sat down and ate. The organizers were asking people who had completed their purchases to leave so more people could come in, but I had just run around a zoo of cupcakes for 2 hours being a little over-tired, and under-cupcaked and there was no way I was leaving before the winners of the Best Montreal cupcake, best professional design and taste, and best amateur design and taste were announced.
The most innovative cupcake I tried? A chocolate base, then a layer of vanilla with lemon zest on a thick, thick, thick slightly lemon buttercream icing, garnished with a slice of beet confit (in the middle-right of this picture with the red circle sticking in the top). Beet confit! The rest of the cupcake was good and offered lots of variety, so when you got sick of one flavour there was suddenly another to enjoy, which is important when you get bored easily, like my tongue, but the beet! The beet! It tasted like candy. No bitterness, but just sweet enough. Not too sweet even. It was perfect with the lemon. It was from a student from the Centre de Formation Professionel Jacques-Rousseau. I went back to tell him I loved his cupcake but he had gone. I wouldn't have wanted to stay in that madhouse longer than necessary either.
The other highlight of the event was seeing local food celebrities. Everything got better when Chuck Hughes left, I'm sorry to say, since his fanclub cleared out. I also managed to get to front where the judges sat and when no one was looking I may or may not have stolen Nadia G's gift bag when no one was looking...imported smoked mullet, Italian olive oil, and Italian dried pasta. Nothing local? So I gave it back.
I'll get my own mullet, thanks. If bacon can go on a cupcake...hmm...smoked fish cupcake?Well, the oyster cupcake won the #failcake and that was pretty stupid. I mean, come on, you take an oyster and you take a cupcake. Real difficult...I would have given it to the person with tuna actually IN the cupcake. At least that took some skill. They even made poor Nonna Maria (well the voice thereof) eat the thing. God knows when it was shucked. I hope he went and threw up afterward for his own sake...Stupid crowd cheering him on to do it. How much wasabi, horseradish, and soy sauce would he need to make that okay? I guess people eat tons of not great sushi and don't get sick. Iron stomachs, I tell you.
To sum up,
Things I learned:
1. Manners go out the window when cupcakes are involved
2. Christmas present options for any and all cupcake-making Montrealers this year include a label-er (mark those cupcakes!!) and a map since they suck at giving directions.
3. I'm going to have to make my own cupcakes if I don't want to ingest a pound of buttercream when I'm craving sweets. I'm thinking caramel dulche de leche with almond milk, with maybe a pear base to make it moist, and/or a date-sweetened chocolate poundcake-type cupcake filled with fig jam, and topped with diced figs softened in cassis honeywine in a thick probiotic yogurt icing...like an alcoholic crème fraiche.
